Day 29 & 30 and the rest

Well now, I kind of fell off the face of this blog, didn’t I? I fell into the same old trap. The last two days of my “30 days of happy” were, well, happy. And busy. So I didn’t write. And since then I’ve been busy. So I didn’t write. And to be perfectly honest a lot of crap has happened in the last month or so. So I didn’t want to write. And now here we are well beyond another thirty days and I’m just now finishing up the last and I still don’t really want to write, but if I don’t then another thirty days and another thirty days will pass and before you know it I’m 50 and there’s no way I can catch up then.

So here I am. I have no idea what I’m going to write. Because the last thirty-odd days have been hard. Oh, they’ve been good, too, and I often have to remind myself of how good I’ve got it, but shit.

Right now I’m envisioning my mom reading this and what she must be thinking about that last word of that last sentence. And that, I have to stop.

I started this blog as a release, an exercise, a place to use my voice. Mine and not what I or my public persona is supposed to be. This is mine. This is me. With all my faults and foibles and missteps and ego and confidence and self-doubt and self-recrimination and self-judging. But by putting all of that out there I’ve opened myself up to the hide-behind-the-monitor types. I’ve gotten some nasty comments. Some very mean people have left their very mean judgments. Unfortunately I read them. Fortunately I don’t have to publish them.

But they still affect me. Part of it’s because they’re anonymous. I can’t respond. But I’ve had one particularly nasty person leave threatening voicemails for my parents and for me, and threatening text messages, and he even defamed me on Facebook through my own page and through my friends’. Today I called the police to inquire whether this was a police matter; the officer answered that by leaving a voicemail for this nasty person. Tomorrow I’m calling an attorney.

The others, the anonymous, the only thing I can do is nothing. By admitting that their digs found purchase I’m already allowing too much.

Like I said, there’s been a lot of crap in the last month.

The truth is I really want everybody to like me. I know that’s impossible. I’ve had to cut people out of my life because they were toxic to me, and I’m sure people have felt that I was the same for them. But when I’ve had to do that it sucks. I strive to lead a drama-free life, not because I’m completely naive (although I am to an extent) but because I truly believe life is short and it should be valued.

I don’t know if I’m going to write another 30 days of happy, or a 30 days of thankful, or a 30 days of anything. What I do know is that what I write here will be honest and real. I’m just hopeful it will be happy and thankful.