“Best of luck to you Theresa”
I’ve gotten that phrase a couple of times tonight. Neither were what I’d consider sincere. You see, tonight a friendship officially ended.
It unofficially ended a few weeks ago. That’s when my “friend” said something more condescending than anything I’ve heard in over 10 years.
In my 20’s I was In Relationships. Three, to be exact. One lasted four years, the next five years, and then a stint of a year and eight months. While the men were different, one thing was consistent: condescension. Them to me. Once I finally got out on my own I realized that the only person who can look down on me is me, and then I better have a damn good reason for it and I better know how to fix it. One thing I would never accept again was anybody else telling me I’m worth less than I know I am.
Over the next decade I moved to Chicago, started a hobby website that’s grown into a full-time (and more) business, and grown more confidence than a marathoner running a 5k. I’ve come into my own, you might say.
Part of that self-confidence includes a distinct sense of morality and right and wrong. Unless someone does something specifically to me I reserve judgement, keeping my own hearsay barometer. Instead of worrying about what other people think I treat them well until they treat me poorly.
That’s what happened with my “friend”. I’d heard over and over again that she wasn’t someone I should work with. People expressed surprise that I could still be associated with her and not be damaged. I told them I hadn’t experienced any of that and as far as I could tell she was a good person.
She asked for my help at an event she was hosting. I gave it to her. She asked me again and I gave it to her again. She asked me to get her into numerous events. After awhile it seemed like the only time she contacted me was when she wanted something.
Then I asked her for some contact information for something I’m planning a year from now. I’ve never asked her for anything, mind you. Yet she told me she felt taken advantage of because she’s done so much for me.
…
I responded with as much composure as I could muster. Mentioned that I actually helped her at her events. She said “this person and that person being there helped me, but I did you a favor.” What? I asked, making sure I heard her correctly. “this person and that person being there helped me, but I did you a favor.”
My response?
“I’m done with you.” Click.
Since then we haven’t interacted.
Until tonight, when she posted something inappropriate on my Facebook wall. I deleted it; she posted it again. I deleted it; she sent me a text message asking why I deleted it. Ended by “best of luck to you”. I explained my reason for removing it. She replied, ending again with “best of luck”. She removed me as a “friend” on Facebook.
Up until that point I honestly had wondered if we could reconcile. I’d see her Facebook and Twitter updates and think – “a person who believes that has got to be OK.” But those were just updates and not how she lives behind the curtain. Maybe it’s because my words are me. I choose them carefully, so it offends me greatly when someone uses words they don’t mean.
“Best of luck to you” from a friend or a loved one is a phrase meant to lift and convey goodwill. “Best of luck to you” from someone feeling less is a phrase that means less, and should therefore not be said. To say it under those circumstances cheapens it when it’s said to anyone else. When do you know it’s real?
You don’t.
And that makes me sad. I’ve heard her lambaste people in our social media world and then turn around and play nice. I’ve seen some of them do the same. My initial reaction is to pull away, but then I realize that I have a voice now and I can say
Goodbye.
Good on you for using your hard-earned confidence and setting some boundaries. Hard to do in our connected world.
Thanks – you are one of the few people I know in this “world” that know when and where to set those boundaries. Especially since they seem to move every time we think we’ve got them nailed down!
Here’s to out with the old (friendships that don’t work) and in with the new! { } Marcia
Seems harder when people can post things on walls for all to see. But you’re handling this like an adult and moving on….which is what grownup people do.
In this world, there are two kinds of people: the users and our friends. When we can identify who’s who and weed out the people who don’t much give a damn (about anyone but themselves), we get all this freed up time for the people we really want to be with.
Sorry to hear this, Theresa! It’s so disappointing to work with someone in good faith and then find out they weren’t what you thought. I’ve learned that *sometimes* it’s all smoke and mirrors with the social media folk. I won’t say “best of luck,” but you know I really do wish you all the best!
Hey..keep you head up , there are people who are literally put in your way to push you to go farther. Take it from someone in the “business” I do understand the people who take you for granted and then wonder why you’re upset. Remember…this is just a bump in the road…
Sounds like the feeling was mutual and I’m sure they would tell a much different story. There are always two sides to every story and the truth is usually somewhere in-between.
I kept this post anonymous because, as my personal blog, this is inherently my side of the story. This was not meant to point fingers or name names, but to draw a metaphorical line in the sand regarding the behavior I think is appropriate between friends and colleagues.
from an ouside observer, it actually looks like you didn’t respect thier bounderies of feeling used or give then credit for what they think they have done for you. Either way, it all sound pretty petty.
Heather, as you said, this is only my side, so there’s no way for anyone reading this to know how this person felt or what this person thinks has been done for me. While I never asked for anything I did receive benefits from our relationship and I am thankful for those, but that’s not the point of this post. The point is that friendship and business relationships should involve mutual respect, and when one person is condescending to another the decision to no longer be involved with that person is simple self-preservation.
Me think Heather doth protest too much.
Sounds like you are more insecure than self confident to be honest. Usually when we are pointing out flaws in others, they also mirror flaws & insecurities we have in ourself. While I think Twitter, and Facebook are both great for social media, what happened to the good ole days of picking up the telephone, not posting your dirty laundry in a public forum, and proper etiquette?
I personally think life is too short to burn bridges we’ve once walked on, and you can’t fight for peace while holding a gun. By writing this blog post you’ve chosen to add more negativity, and animosity to your situation when you could have reacted differently.
I can’t believe I’m even wasting my time writing a comment to this nonsense when you’re probably not even going to post it anyway.
Jason, because I demand it from others, I constantly question whether I’m authentic, my reasons for my actions or inactions, and when I do see fault in others if I’m guilty of it myself. In this case, condescension is a behavior I accepted at one time and vowed I never would again. By the same token that means that I won’t perpetrate the same on my friends and colleagues.
It states in the post that this didn’t occur on Twitter on Facebook. It was on the phone and over text.
As far as burning bridges? I didn’t. She’d started the fire and I chose to walk away instead of burning my feet. Did I do it publicly? Yes. But I kept her anonymous.
Once again, this post was about choosing not to accept condescension from someone who was supposedly a friend. I stand by my choice to write about the situation on my *personal* blog while protecting her anonymity.
And finally, I’m not sure why you thought I wouldn’t post it. Not all the comments on here have been sunshine and roses. While this is a site for my musings, I welcome discourse and if a discussion on authenticity ensues I won’t be one to quash it.
As far as dirty laundry goes? Welcome to my hamper.
I think it takes courage to walk away from a relationship like that and you will feel so much better for it.
Let negativity go away!
It is unfortunate when friends keep a tab of what they’ve done for you and what you’ve done back. You did the right thing. Let it go and don’t even give it another sigh. He/she lost a good friend in you.
You know, this is actually a great thing. You know how good you feel when you purge 15-20 Facebook “friends” who really aren’t?
This is the same sort of thing, except you’re purging a “friend” who isn’t. Good riddance.